She brings her elephant over to me as I sit on the couch. She looks at me expectantly. She knows that I know how to make the elephant play music. I oblige, and she sways along to the song. I make it play again, and again she sways along. Then, I show her where to push on the elephant’s back to make the music play. She tries to push it, but she can’t press hard enough. I gently push on her finger with mine. “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” starts playing. She looks up at me, eyes shining and a huge smile on her face. She is proud that she did it all by herself (mostly). She presses it again and again with my help, and each time she looks up at me and smiles a huge grin.
She’s done with the elephant and moves on to another toy. Something in me feels so proud of her. But also a little sad. Because you see, soon she won’t need to bring me the elephant. She’ll know how to work it all by herself. She won’t need me. And the thing is I think that sometimes I want her to need me. Maybe I even need her to need me.
And this I think is going to be the internal battle of my life as a mom for many years to come. I want my daughter to be independent and learn new things and master skills. I am beyond proud of her when she does. It is so exciting to see her learn something for the first time. And yet, with each new milestone, I feel like it’s one more step to her needing me less.
This weekend is going to be a very big milestone in my choosing to let my baby go a little bit. She is going to spend the night at my mom and dad’s house so Royce and I can have some uninterrupted packing time to get ready for our move. I. Am. Terrified. Not because I’m not 100% confident in my parents’ ability to love my child and keep her alive for 24 hours, but because I’m giving up a little bit of control of her little life. I’m acknowledging that maybe she doesn’t need me all the time. Maybe she’ll be okay.
And maybe I will be okay too. Maybe I will cry for 24 hours straight. Maybe I will call at least 10 times. But maybe I will enjoy sleeping in. Maybe I will actually get a lot accomplished. One thing that I know definitely is that reuniting with her will be my favorite part of the week.
And in the meantime, I will treasure the moments when she brings me her shape sorter to help her figure it out. Because *that* toy is going to take a while to master.
Liz, this is part of you both growing; her growing up and you growing into motherhood at all its stages. Letting go inch by inch was very hard for me because it was eight years before we had Stacy. During that time I had 3 miscarriages, a husband that was overseas during the Vietnam war for 19 months. We did not spend an anniversary together until our
3rd.
By a miracle and clomid we had her. And let me tell you as a little girl and up until the day she went off to college I had to give inch by inch and it was the hardest thing I ever did. I knew in my heart that I had to “let the rope out” that I had attached her to. She had to grow and find her wings and make mistakes and learn on her own.
I know Annelise is a baby but as you say, she is growing and learning so quickly. Cherish (as you are) every moment. The new baby will bring a new dimension to your life. She will seem to grow up overnight after the baby comes but she won’t be. She will still be that little girl needing you (and maybe more at some times) to help “push the button” and “wind up the toy” for many years. She will become that little mother to her sibling and you will be amazed at how much she will learn from you how to act with him/her.
Inch by inch you will let go and let her grow into what she is to be…….a precious woman like her Mom.
Love you,
Aunt Jackie
This entry made me cry. I feel like I keep realizing that we are never going to get things “back”. Like Stephen will never be 6.7lbs again, Annabelle will never be able to not scoot again. They will never fit into their 0-3 clothes again and I will never get to live the first day of their life again.
I am already sad about the “next stages”. They are so exciting when they happen but then it is over and they are just scooters and then walkers and then talkers and etc.
They are only 7 months old and I already think about how sad and happy I will be to dance with Stephen at his wedding (and what song we will dance to) or how terrified I am of Annabelle going to the prom.
Anyway – just wanted to say I love this post and totally relate. Who knew motherhood would be such a heartbreaking and exhilarating thing at the same time? It makes me want to be like Michelle Duggar b/c with 19 kids you will get to have people need you for a long time.