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Archive for March, 2011

January 6, 2011

1:15 pm:  I pee.

1:35 pm:  I pee.

1:50 pm:  I pee. (I haven’t even had that much water today, why do I have to pee so much?)

2:00 pm:  I pee.

2:20 pm:  I pee.

2:21 pm:  I text Royce, “I’ve been peeing every ten minutes today.  I think I’m pregnant, haha.”

He texts back asking me if I want him to pick up a pregnancy test on his way home.  I respond, “Sure.  But only if you want to.”

I can’t explain it, but I KNEW that I was pregnant.  There was no doubt in my mind.  Royce said that he knew too.  And at about 5:30 pm, I peed again (this time on a stick).  The plus sign was visible before I even finished.

It wasn’t the first time since having Annelise that we thought we might be pregnant again.  I’d probably taken 4 pregnancy tests over the previous months.  But this time was different.  Even though I thought I was having symptoms other times, I didn’t really think I was pregnant.  This time I knew.  Because of excessive urination.  Pregnancy is such a funny thing.

Since I hadn’t been keeping track of my cycles, I didn’t know when we conceived.  I had to go in for blood tests the following week to make sure my hormones were multiplying correctly.  Of course, they didn’t raise as much as they should have between the first two tests.  I felt so sick.  I thought for sure something was going to go wrong.  Once you’ve had one miscarriage, it just never leaves you.  I don’t think it matters how many healthy pregnancies I have.  That one baby we lost will forever shape my feelings during those first fragile weeks of pregnancy.

I went in for a third blood test, and the numbers were much better this time around.  We could breathe a sigh of relief, rejoice a little bit, and sit and wait for our six week ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat.

January 20, 2011

Royce and I went to the doctor to (hopefully) see the little flicker on the screen, representing our baby’s heartbeat.  I was so nervous.  The ultrasound began.  I saw the amniotic sac, but at first I didn’t see anything in it.  Then, in the corner, I could see the beat, beat, beat of our baby’s heart.  Royce and I both cried.  Again, tears of joy.

*****

We are so excited to welcome another little one into our family.  This baby is due on September 15th.  We have loved being parents to Annelise, and we hope another one will just multiply the love in our family.  There are fears that I have for sure.  There are days that I wonder, “How on earth are we doing to do this?”  But mostly, I am just really, really excited to have another blessing added to our family.  Another little bundle to snuggle.  Another little life to worry about, wonder over and dream for.  Another little person to love.  (And we already do, Baby Baker.  We already do.)

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She brings her elephant over to me as I sit on the couch.  She looks at me expectantly.  She knows that I know how to make the elephant play music.  I oblige, and she sways along to the song.  I make it play again, and again she sways along.  Then, I show her where to push on the elephant’s back to make the music play.  She tries to push it, but she can’t press hard enough.  I gently push on her finger with mine.  “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” starts playing.  She looks up at me, eyes shining and a huge smile on her face.  She is proud that she did it all by herself (mostly).  She presses it again and again with my help, and each time she looks up at me and smiles a huge grin.

She’s done with the elephant and moves on to another toy.  Something in me feels so proud of her.  But also a little sad.  Because you see, soon she won’t need to bring me the elephant.  She’ll know how to work it all by herself.  She won’t need me.  And the thing is I think that sometimes I want her to need me.  Maybe I even need her to need me.

And this I think is going to be the internal battle of my life as a mom for many years to come.  I want my daughter to be independent and learn new things and master skills.  I am beyond proud of her when she does.  It is so exciting to see her learn something for the first time.  And yet, with each new milestone, I feel like it’s one more step to her needing me less.

This weekend is going to be a very big milestone in my choosing to let my baby go a little bit.  She is going to spend the night at my mom and dad’s house so Royce and I can have some uninterrupted packing time to get ready for our move.  I. Am. Terrified.  Not because I’m not 100% confident in my parents’ ability to love my child and keep her alive for 24 hours, but because I’m giving up a little bit of control of her little life.  I’m acknowledging that maybe she doesn’t need me all the time.  Maybe she’ll be okay.

And maybe I will be okay too.  Maybe I will cry for 24 hours straight.  Maybe I will call at least 10 times.  But maybe I will enjoy sleeping in.  Maybe I will actually get a lot accomplished.  One thing that I know definitely is that reuniting with her will be my favorite part of the week.

And in the meantime, I will treasure the moments when she brings me her shape sorter to help her figure it out. Because *that* toy is going to take a while to master.

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Dear Annelise,

Sweet one, I’m very sorry that I haven’t written to you in a little while.  You see, I had grand ideas and seemingly lots of material with Christmas and your first birthday and all.  But then January and February turned out to be a very rough season in the life of our family.  You and I went back and forth being sick and spent weeks cuddling on the couch.

Mommy got the flu.  You got an ear infection.  I got a cold.  You got roseola.  And then another ear infection.  (Oh yeah, and I got nausea from being pregnant with your little brother or sister, but that’s a story for another day).  So yes, it hasn’t been the most fun season.  Mommy struggled A LOT with not “getting anything done” while we were sick.  It was hard to not do the things I normally do for our family.  To not get through my to do list.  Or even have the energy to make a to do list a lot of days.

But I’m thankful.  I’m thankful that you’re teaching me to let go of my plans.  To find my identity not in what I can accomplish, but in Christ.  It’s a difficult lesson, but one that I needed to learn (and one that I’m sure I’ll need to re-learn lots of times in my life. Old habits tend to die hard).

In spite of all the yuckiness, there have been some wonderful things about the last couple months.  Your first Christmas was SO fun.  You even helped “unwrap” some of your gifts.  It was awesome to see you discover new toys and to figure out how they work.  You are so smart!  You know just what buttons to push on your toys to make them light up and make noises.

Your favorite toys right now are your Dora the Explorer guitar and your horse.  They both play music, and you love to press the buttons and dance to the songs.  You’ve got some good moves girl!  Whenever you dance, you look at me like, “Come on, Mom.  It’s time to dance.  Get moving!”  I of course always oblige and dance with my girl.  Those are my favorite moments of the day.

Your first birthday was also pretty great.  We had a party with many of your family and friends.  You begged food off Grandpa, unwrapped some presents, ate your first cupcake, threw up on your tutu and got cute pictures on the couch with your buddies Eli and Owen.  I still can’t believe that you’re a year old already!  It seems like just yesterday that we were swaddling you up at night and waking up for night-time feedings.  Now you’re our big girl, sleeping with a pillow and blanket.  Time.  Just.  Flies.

Annelise, you have such a wonderful personality.  The more I know you, the more I like you.  You are at times shy and other times very brave.  You love to smile and laugh, but you can also give a mean stare down to people you don’t recognize.  You love it when Daddy, Sunny and I are all home.  You bring books over to me all the time, but get frustrated when I try to read them.  You fling yourself back and go dead weight when you’re not getting your way.  You are endlessly entertained by light switches.  You love fruit.  You do not love vegetables.  You can be uninhibited in your affection although you’re not really a cuddler.  You are very chatty over dinner.  You love splashing in the bathtub (and getting Mommy wet).  You are not crazy about getting your hands washed after you put them in toilet water.  Little girl, I just love who you are.  I get excited to think about who you may become.  And no matter what, I’ll love you like crazy.

As we prepare for Baby #2, I want to soak you in as much as possible.  This is the last time in our lives that we’ll have one child.  We know that having another will multiply the love in our family, but I want to savor you while I can.  Let’s have some fun together over the next few months, okay?

You’re my girl, and I love you.

Mama

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