Snapshots of Life

So, I think it’s safe to say that life around the Baker household has been a bit crazy for the last month. And I have not sat down to blog or even to think about pregnancy and how it is going.  So I will attempt an all-inclusive update in reverse chronological order.

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Today is the 28 week mark of pregnancy…we officially entered 3rd trimester territory last week.  It is so crazy and going by at lightening speed and it seems like two weeks ago that I was writing about life in the second trimester.  Now, we have all of our showers on the calender and have registered for childbirth and breastfeeding classes and start our every-two-weeks doctor’s appointments in just two weeks.  AHHH!

It is really funny to me how quickly things change with each trimester.  Before pregnancy, I heard all the “first is hard, second is a breeze, third is hard again” talk, but it’s amazing how accurate it is.  It seems like in the last week, I all of a sudden became more uncomfortable.  Like my back just hurts and sitting up is harder and bending down is harder and getting comfortable on the couch is nearly impossible.  And, on Friday, Baby Girl discovered my ribs (which I’ll admit was kind of exciting).  It hasn’t been bad so far, but I think it is a good indicator of things to come. 

It is starting to get more real that we’ll be bringing a baby home at some point in the coming months.  Last night, Royce and I couldn’t sleep (because we’ve both been sick this week), and we just sat in the living room, dreaming up different ways of arranging our apartment to fit Baby Girl and her stuff, which is no small feat when you’ll be bringing Baby home to a one bedroom apartment.  Our current conclusion?  Move our living room into our dining room (which is bigger than our current living room).  Make current living room into nursery/dining room (yes, we’re high class).  Keep our bedroom the same, just add pack and play.

Speaking of being sick, it just sucks when you’re pregnant.  Because no matter what your doctor tells you about how your baby is okay and totally protected, you can’t help but worry.  I constantly think, “Is she moving as much as usual?  Does she normally move at this time?  Shouldn’t she be moving right now?”  Which is a bit unreasonable considering that I’m sleeping approximately 14 hours a day, and she usually moves when I sleep so it’s possible she is moving just as much as always.  This is pretty much what the last 3 days have looked like around our house:

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Rewind to our 27 week doctor’s appointment.  The only noteworthy thing that I learned was that I had gained 7 pounds in the previous 4 weeks.  Not exactly what I was aiming for, but I’m still only at 19 pounds overall, which my doctor says is “normal and fine”.  Hopefully, that won’t happen again.  I haven’t taken belly pics yet, so you’ll have to wait with bated breath for our 30 week photo shoot.

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Rewind to what I’ll call “Something No One Ever Tells You About Pregnancy”:

I got the joyful experience of drinking this gross, thick , super sweet orange drink called “Glucola” to test for gestational diabetes (which I don’t have, thankfully).  And all pregnant women have to do this.  And no one EVER warns you about it.  So all you ladies out there, be warned.  Incidentally, this was a good lesson for me in how I never would have made it as a party girl in college.  It took me all of 9 minutes to drink 10 ounces (my time limit was 10 minutes, booyah!).  And I almost spit it all back up about 5 times.  I would not have survived any kind of drinking games.

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Rewind to the Columbus Marathon.  My dad ran the full marathon (have I ever mentioned how amazing my father is?), and my studly husband ran the half marathon.  Royce beat his previous best time and ran a 1:38.  And I cheered and waited in the cold for him to get the five minute free massage after the race, for which I think I deserve a medal as well.

He's so fast I can never get the camera ready in time.

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Rewind to Sunny’s first interaction with Baby Girl.  He likes getting in on the action of getting to know her already too.  He really enjoys licking my belly.

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Rewind to the 23 week belly:

23 Weeks--Total weight gain 12 pounds

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Finally, I leave you with our attempt at a family photo.

Almost 24 weeks letter…

Dear Baby Girl,

I hope you’re liking the name Baby Girl because at the rate your father and I are going, that will be your given name, and when you’re old enough, we’ll just let you choose something you like. I’m constantly on the alert for a good girl’s name. I sat in Panera today, listening to the names over the loudspeaker, thinking maybe one would jump out to me. We have a few that we like, but none so far that we love. I want to just hear a name and know in my heart of hearts that it is your name.

 

It feels like there is a lot more pressure in naming a girl versus naming a boy. Want to go the biblical route? How about Rebekah? Oh, she’s the woman who manipulated her blind, dying husband into blessing the wrong child, the one she loved more than the other. (Sorry to anyone out there named Rebekah. I do think it’s a beautiful name. I just don’t really like her character in the Bible). There are no family names that stick out to us as being the name we’d want for you, our little girl. And the one name that I do like (no, I’m not telling you what it is yet) is apparently a very “popular” name right now. And I don’t want you to have the same name as 4 other girls in your kindergarten class.

 

So, Baby Girl it is.

 

Other than that, you seem to be developing quite nicely. I feel you move pretty regularly, especially at night when we’re laying down to go to sleep. I think you might be a little stubborn because every time we touch my stomach from the outside, you freeze. Then, as soon as your dad takes his hand away, you triple kick me like an expert ninja. I have a feeling in a couple years, your dad and I will be frantically reading books with titles like “How to Parent a Strong-Willed Child” or “So Your Child Won’t Listen…” You also were moving and grooving a lot during worship at Cru last week. I hope your dad’s music always brings you such joy.

 

In some ways I feel like we’re so far along in the pregnancy (almost 24 weeks), and yet the 4 more months we have to wait to meet you feels like forever. I can’t wait to see who you’ll come out looking like, if you’ll have hair, what color eyes you’ll have. I can’t wait to hold your hand and cuddle you close to my chest. I can’t wait to see your dad lying on the couch with you (most likely making you watch some weird sci-fi show about superheroes or aliens since you won’t be old enough to protest). Most of all, I can’t wait to learn about who you are.

 

Beautiful, nameless you. Our Baby Girl.

 

With all my love,

Your Mama

Lessons from the Fry Trailer…

While most people spent their Labor Day weekend cooking out with friends and family, watching fireworks (if you live in Cincinnati) and relaxing, the Bakers spent their weekend selling french fries to the masses at Ohio’s largest fair–the Canfield County Fair.  Why would we do this you ask?  Well, we are going to Washington DC for a few days in November and realized we needed some money to pay for the trip.  And my uncle runs a french fry stand, which I have worked in for approximately 12 summers of my life.  Royce married into the fry business, andhe’s caught on quite nicely.

 

The one advantage of spending your weekend selling fries while 20 weeks pregnant is that you can be pretty selective about what you will and will not do in the trailer.  I got to “work the counter” the whole time…no moving 50 pound boxes of potatoes, no chopping them in the back, no moving the baskets of fries around.  I really avoided the manual labor part of the job and just dealt with the customers (which comes with its fair share of headaches, trust me).  My favorite conversation with customers:

 

Customer:  I’ll have the large fry.

Me:  Okay, that will be $9. (Our large fry is actually a huge bucket of fries.  And I’ll be honest NO ONE needs that many french fries ever.  Unless you’re part of the Duggar family perhaps.)

Customer:  $9 for french fries??!! 

Me:  (Pointing at the signs clearly displaying all of our prices) All of our prices are right here.

Customer:  I guess I’ll just have the small.

And this, my friends, is the conversation I get paid to have all day long. 

 

Being pregnant, I started to notice a lot more about parenting while helping families out this weekend.  I will preface this by saying that I know I will not be a perfect parent.  I know I will make a million mistakes and people will look at me and think I am a horrible mom.  But I also think it is wise to watch other parents and pick up on things that might be pit falls in parenting.  Things that I’m pretty sure would be pretty easy traps to fall into.  And here are some of the things I observed… 

1.  Parents don’t act like parents very often.  They act like their children are in charge of decisions.  It happened countless times, same scenario.  Mom with a couple of kids walks up to the counter.  She looks down at the kids and asks, “Can you guys share a fry?”  They inevitably answer, “No.”  The mother then looks at me and with an exasperated sigh says, “I guess we need two small fries.”  Because her kids have told her that they can’t share.  I want to step out of the trailer, shake this woman and yell in her face, “Don’t you realize that you are the parent?  You are buying the fries.  You decide if they can share!  If they can’t handle it, they don’t get the fries.  Step it up woman and have a spine!!!”

 

2.  My other favorite thing parents do is actually ask their kids what size of fries they want.  The kids are never satisfied with a small (which, to be honest, is way too huge for me to eat by myself).  No, they have to get a regular (otherwise known as medium in the world of normal people).  One woman ordered 2 regular fries for her 2 kids.  These kids are probably 8 and 10 years old, and they are eating $12 worth of fries by themselves.  Really?  Woman, have you not heard of the childhood obesity crisis?  Have you not heard of teaching self control to your children?  Do you really think your kid needs to eat 20 ounces of french fry???

 

3.  On a lighter note, if you’re buying a stroller, consider the height of your husband.  If he is over 6 foot tall, it is probably not the best idea to go for the cheapest umbrella stroller the store carries.  Because he will spend his day at the fair hunched over like Quasimodo pushing the kiddos around.

 

All this said, I think that after this weekend, I can safely say I will never buy my child her own french fry because she is unable to share with others.  And please, don’t you be that mom either.

Halfway There…

20 Weeks--Total Weight Gain 8 Pounds

I don’t have a lot to say today, but wanted to get the new pictures up before we leave for the weekend (again).  I know I don’t look super big in the picture, but I am to the point where I’m only wearing maternity jeans.  No more BellaBand with my regular ones.  It was really sad to put my favorite jeans from the Buckle in a tote to be stored in the basement until who knows when. 

Also, I’d like you to meet our baby girl…

Isn't her spine awesome?

This next one is my favorite.  It’s a little hard to see because I don’t have a scanner and therefore am just taking pictures of the ultrasounds, but it’s her little arms in front of her face.  The same arms she used to try to punch out the ultrasound lady.  That’s my girl.

Baby Girl Baker hiding from us

Hope you have a happy Labor Day weekend!

Dear Baby Girl

Dear Baby Girl Baker,

 

Thanks for not being too modest yesterday Little One. It feels so good to know already that you are going to be our little girl. Our daughter. That someday, you will be someone’s wife. And then, a mother.

 

It feels so much more real now that we are going to be parents. That your dad and I have no idea what we’re doing or how to raise you. I think I’ll go ahead and apologize in advance for all the mistakes we’ll make. On a daily basis I’m sure. I think God gives extra grace to the oldest child because I’m sure my mom and dad did some crazy things as first-time parents, but I don’t remember. Hopefully, you’ll be able to say the same thing someday.

 

I loved getting to see you on the ultrasound screen yesterday with your heart beating and your cute little feet. I’ll admit it, I thought it was kind of cool that you were stubborn and wouldn’t move for the ultrasound lady to be able to get a good profile shot of you. I don’t like being awakened when I’m sleeping either. My favorite part was when she kept pressing on you to get you to move, and you pushed back with your little arm. I like kids who are a little bit feisty, and it looks like you are already. You also kept sticking your tongue out at us. I’m not sure what to make of that one yet Baby Girl. We’ll probably have to break you of that little habit someday.

 

Now that we know you’ll be our little girl, I keep thinking about what you might be like and who you might look like. I hope you have a good mix of your dad and I (with a little of your own flair thrown in there to keep us on our toes). I hope you are the type of girl who faces your fears head on like me. I hope you have a little bit of my determination and some of your dad’s curiosity. I hope you love other people the way your dad does. I hope you can sing like him. I hope you love to be outdoors like both of us. Ultimately, I hope you’ll love Jesus. (And Ohio State football).

 

I hope you’re more like your father as a teenager. I was a bit, shall we say, hell to live with emotional during the teen years. My mom and I spent about 5 years fighting. But I promise I’ll love you no matter how you behave. I mean, despite those hard years, your grandma is one of my best friends now. I hope that you and I will be able to say the same thing in 25 years.

 

I’ll be honest though, Baby Girl, I really hope you don’t get your dad’s nose. It looks great on him (he’s the most handsome man I know), but I think it’d be a little more difficult for you to pull off. I really hope you have his skin. He’s got this great tan complexion year-round. Also, I think since we’ve been married, he’s had approximately 3 zits. If only you could be so lucky. I keep praying by some miracle that you will get my green eyes. Unfortunately, everything about your father is dominant in the world of genetics so there’s not a lot of hope. But stranger things have happened.

 

I’m sitting our living room right now by a pile of stuff that will soon be yours—bottles and onesies and little socks and clothes. All courtesy of our first surprise shower from the Allen family (thank you very much). Unfortunately, even though you’re going to be our firstborn, you already have someone you will have to share your things with. He is a little guy named Sunny. He loves your things already. I’m sure you’ll lose many a stuffed animal to him. And he’ll probably chew up some of your toys. I’m sorry about that. I do think he’ll love you very much. He thinks little kids are among the coolest things he’s ever seen. He’ll probably scratch you once or twice because he’ll be so excited to see you. I figure you’ll take care of that problem pretty quickly. Just give out a yell; he’ll stop.

 

I hope you know how much we love you already. We are humbled to get to be your parents. We hope that you can know God more through us, even if it’s through our failings. We hope that you will develop into your own unique little person. We know you will forever change our lives in a beautiful way. We can’t wait to meet you in January.

 

Forever in love with you,

Your mom

 

p.s. The ultrasound lady mentioned that your head is resting right on my bladder. If you would like to change positions so I will stop leaking pee, I would really appreciate it.

Glory Days

I think I’m starting to understand why women rave about the second trimester, like it’s a gift from above…  Because it is.  And I’m just now starting to comprehend the glory of it all.

 

For starters, I started to feel Baby Baker moving recently.  At first, I wasn’t sure what the strange sensation in my abdomen was.  Was it gas?  Not quite.  Was I just feeling nervous?  No, it only sort of felt like butterflies in my belly.  Was it some sort of alien messing with the inside of my stomach that would eventually just pop out one day, like what happened to the poor woman in that weird movie that came out when I was in elementary school?  Or, more logically, the baby?  Could it be the baby???!!!  After a few nights of feeling this “fluttering”, I decided it must be the baby moving.  I still keep feeling my belly from the outside in the vain hope that Royce will be able to experience our baby the same way I can, but to no avail so far. 

 

Of course, with every blessing in pregnancy, it feels like there is something hard.  And what was hard about feeling Baby Baker was then not feeling Baby Baker.  For two whole days.  And every book and website said it is “totally normal” to not feel the baby move for several days at this stage of pregnancy and “nothing to worry about”.  Yeah, right.  I could feel my baby pretty regularly and now I can’t and you want me to not worry?  Seriously?  Then, I felt the baby again on Saturday night, and all was right in the world.

 

I’ve also started to experience the hormonal/emotional side of pregnancy.  So far, I really haven’t been too emotional, but that has changed in the last few days.  I’ve been short and easily annoyed with my husband (which says a lot more about my heart than it does his actual level of annoying-ness).  I have also been moved to tears by 1. The episode of Friends where Rachel has her baby (not that weird since I am pregnant) and 2.  The last scene in Coyote Ugly, where Violet successfully sings her song at the open mike night (ummmm…really?  Never been that moved by her show of bravery or the loving support of her friends and father before…).

 

Oh yeah, I was supposed to be talking about how this trimester is wonderful…

 

Okay, it is wonderful because I can feel the baby moving, can still go running pretty regularly (albeit slowly), can finally eat somewhat pleasantly (even if I don’t really crave anything), am not so big that it gets in the way of doing anything, can sleep comfortably, am not getting up 2,342 5 times each night to pee anymore, can make it through a whole day without napping, can finally be excited about baby gear without the pressure of needing it “right now”, and honestly just feel gloriously normal most of the time.  Also, don’t tell the No-Caffiene Nazi moms, but I’ve occasionally enjoyed a Mountain Dew Icee, thank you very much.

 

Fast Facts:

• I had to start taking extra iron because of stupid anemia.  But I got a “slow-absorbing” kind which is supposed to be better, and I’m still pooping so I’m pretty excited about that.
• Did you know my uterus is now the size of a cantaloupe?  And Baby Baker is the size of your outstretched hand.
• I measured my belly today, and it is 36 inches!  Whoa!  I never measured it in the beginning of pregnancy, but the jeans I wore pre-pregnancy had a 29 inch waist so I’m guessing I was between 28 and 29 inches.  That means I’ve grown 7 inches already. And I don’t even think I look pregnant yet.
• August 26^th…the day we find out the sex of the baby (assuming Baby Baker isn’t too modest)!!!  We invited our moms to come to the ultrasound, and they both are able to be there so we’re really excited for them to get to meet their first grandbaby. 

 

In other news, we’re leaving for 4 days for our staff retreat (which will be so fun), but I will really miss this face…

Our little ray of Sunshine

 

p.s  For any LOST fans out there, there is a secret shout-out to you somewhere in this post…can you find it?

Minimalist Mom?

I’ve been working on a post in my head about CSU this year for the past few weeks, but I think it will take forever to write so I’ll hold off on that for a few more days.  Or maybe forever, who knows?

In other news, Royce and I went in for our 15 week appointment last Friday.  It was kind of anti-climactic.  I’ve spent most of the pregnancy fearing that something was wrong.  That surely my baby was not well.  So I guess the 4 minutes I spent with my doctor, 10 seconds of which we listened to our baby’s heartbeat, felt a little short.  I mean, Doctor, I’ve been waiting for this appointment for 5 whole weeks.  Could you just do something to make me feel like all the thinking I’ve done is actually useful?

Since that appointment, I’ve let myself start dreaming of baby things–cribs and strollers and cute little clothes.  I even went to Babies R Us just to look around.  And let’s just say I’ve become somewhat overwhelmed.

I would say I’m a minimalist in many ways.  Not that I’m some kind of super saint who needs nothing.  I just don’t want a lot of stuff making my life crowded.  Royce and I have lived in a one bedroom apartment for most of our marriage (or a room in my parent’s basement).  We have one car (speaking of which, add “2nd car” to the list of things we need before Baby Baker makes his/her appearance in our lives).  If I get any new clothes, I try to give other clothes away.  I don’t like knick knacks or things in my apartment that I don’t use on a regular basis.  I sit around sometimes thinking, “Is there anything in this room that I don’t need?  That I don’t use?  That I could store or give away or throw away?”  Aside from our multitude of books and my affinity for TV on DVD, I’d say we live a pretty clutter-free life.

Enter baby stuff.  Do you realize the amount of stuff that is recommended to raise a child?  Have you seen Babies R Us’ “Must Have” list?  I realize that I must not need everything on that list, but how do I sort through it all logically?  I don’t want to be a mom who just buys a ton of stuff because I’m an American and I can.  I am also not the type to buy stuff used.  I mean, we’re going to have more than one child (Lord willing) so I’d rather start with something nice so by the time Baby #4 comes around we don’t have to get everything again.  Luckily, Ikea is right up the road, and I feel like they have some very reasonably priced furniture for nurserys. 

But what about strollers?  There’s the one your baby’s car seat attaches to (which seems to weigh 500 pounds) and the jogging one (which honestly seems very practical but doesn’t necessarily help with saving space) and the umbrella one (not sure I understand this one yet. Is it only for when you go to the mall and your baby can already sit up?).  Not to mention, that when you have baby #2, you have to get a double stoller that the baby’s car seat attaches to and a double jogging stroller and a double umbrella one.  It just never ends.  And what about swings?  Your child can only be in one up to 25 lbs…seriously?  Is that worth it?

So Moms out there, help a sister out.  What did you buy that felt like money down the drain?  What was so wonderful and useful that you feel like in retrospect you could not have lived without it?  What are some space-saving ideas?  We’re staying in a one bedroom for at least a few months after Baby Baker’s arrival (unless I, much like Charlie finding the Golden Ticket, stumble across large sums of money on the side of the street). 

In other words ladies, what do I really need?

Also, did I mention I had my 15 week appointment?

Week 15--Total Weight Gain 4 pounds

What’s That? You’d Love to Hear About My Digestive System?

I hit the 13 week mark in pregnancy today.  Some books would say this is the last week of the first trimester.  Some would say it’s the first week of the second.  I’d like to think it’s the first week of the second because I certainly don’t feel first trimester-y anymore.  I wanted to take some time to review how I’ve felt so far. So that some day when my daughter says to me, “Mom, how did you feel during your pregnancies?”, I will have something intelligent to tell her. 

• Digestion:  I think I started to feel nauseous around 5 weeks.  Not throw up nauseous.  I never actually vomited, but man, there were times I would have enjoyed that release for my digestive system.  Instead, I had this constant nothing-sounds-good-or-looks-good-but-if-I-don’t-eat-I’ll-just-die kind of nausea.  I normally am passionate about food.  I’m not used to just eating for survival.  My nausea let up right around 10 weeks.  I, of course, was really worried, but our appointment went great so that was a relief.  I still haven’t regained my appetite though.  I would love for a food to sound good.
• Cravings:  Speaking of food sounding good…so far, not much has been satisfying.  I’ve had a couple foods that I craved for a couple days, but nothing longer than that.  Among these cravings….canned fruit cold from the fridge (especially peaches), yogurt (especially Key Lime Pie flavor), and Cheetos.  That’s right, Cheetos.  I don’t even eat any of these foods in real life.  No canned fruit or Yoplait yogurt because of the massive amounts of sugar.  And Cheetos?  Really Baby Baker?  Could we choose any less healthy food to like?
• Aversions:  The short answer would be everything. But, my big aversion has been cereal.  I ate it one morning early on, and it totally grossed me out.  I thought, “How have I been eating this my whole life?  Every morning, I put food in a bowl and then pour milk all over it and then it gets all soggy and gross and I eat it.  EVERY MORNING.  GAG! 
• Gross factor:  This might be too much information, but I will say one reason my love affair with Yoplait yogurt ended is that it gave me what can only be described as diarrhea.  I know.  Gross.  That’s all.
• Speaking of the Bathroom:  I have spent an inordinate amount of time peeing the last 13 weeks.  And the worst part is that after I sit there for five minutes waiting for the pee to come, a little tiny teaspoon dribbles out.  Royce makes fun of me for it.  He’ll say, “Seriously, that’s it?”  Isn’t he sweet?  Also, no more sleeping through the night.  Getting up 2-4 times is the new normal!  Whoo Hoo!
• Tired:  Making a baby makes a person tired.  Like, can’t even stand up for 20 minutes to cook dinner tired.  I normally get sleepy at different parts of the day so napping is normal for me.  But this is different.  Naps are no longer optional.  My energy is picking back up, but I still need a break most days. 
• Oh, and by the way, I got acne like a 15 year old girl.  Sweet.

Your reward for caring about the details of my ever-changing body…Belly pictures!

6 Weeks Prego (in other words, the "Before" picture)

 

11 Weeks...Total weight gain: 1 pound

13 Weeks

Our Baby Story

05/12/09
At this point, Royce and I had been “trying” for a couple of months. Waking up in the morning, doing the whole temperature thing. Which you probably only understand if you “tried” yourself before or if you’ve been married without the desire to be pregnant and without the desire to take the Pill. I was on day 27 of my cycle, and my temperature hadn’t started to drop off yet. Which normally starts to happen a couple days ago for me.

Royce couldn’t sleep the night before and for some crazy reason got up at the ungodly hour of 7:30. I told him my temp situation so he gallantly drove the drugstore to pick up a pregnancy test. I got up and decided to pee on it take it, fully expecting it to be negative because, come on, I hadn’t even missed my period yet. But it wasn’t. There was a plus sign. A gorgeous, beautiful, unexpected-but-wanted-more-than-anything plus sign.

We visited my parents later that day and shared the news. And then tried not to vomit with nerves waiting two weeks for our first appointment.

 

Because this wasn’t our first first appointment. And I don’t think I can tell you about this baby without telling you about that one.

01/09/09
Royce and I hadn’t been “trying”, but we weren’t really preventing pregnancy either. We figured we’d start trying sometime in the spring, but if we were blessed with a baby before that, we’d be thrilled. And we were when my period was a couple days late, and a pregnancy test confirmed that I was in fact pregnant. I honestly don’t think we’d ever been so excited. We were going to Royce’s family Christmas the next afternoon and couldn’t wait to tell them the news. It was the first Christmas without Royce’s grandma, and we were thankful for the opportunity to bring life and joy to the day.

I started dreaming right away about baby stuff, baby furniture, baby anything. I couldn’t believe we were so lucky to have gotten pregnant so easily. I had always feared infertility, and it was glorious to have those fears relieved.

2/10/09
Our first appointment. At 8 weeks. I was so excited, I could hardly stand it. The thought had never crossed my mind that things might not go well. And things did go well through the whole physical part of the exam. Almost as an aside, the doctor said, “Let’s go do a quick ultrasound.” And we did. And there was a large amniotic sac. And it didn’t have a baby in it.

We were shocked. We were stunned. We couldn’t believe it. We were being told our options. Our options. What options? Ten minutes ago, we were going to have a precious baby due on September 17th. Now, we have to look at our options. We could wait to miscarry naturally (which with this kind of miscarriage probably wouldn’t happen for another 4 weeks or so) or we could have a D&C. We wept. Told the doctor we’d think about it. I called my mom. For the first minute or so, no words came out.

We opted for not waiting and doing the D&C. On Friday, February 13th. Happy Valentine’s Day!  We wrestled with the Lord.  A lot.  I mean, I honestly think it would have been easier to just not believe in God and think that this randomly happened to me.  Like I just drew the short stick in life so while all these women around me got to have normal, healthy pregnancies, I just had bad luck. 

But the thing is, this wasn’t random.  I believe there is a God, who is sovereign and loving and good.  Who, as I tell students all the time, has a wonderful plan for my life.  And losing this baby was part of the plan.  I had never experienced such deep pain in my life.  My comfort was the Cross, the only reassurance that God actually does love me.  In spite of the pain, in spite of the loss, in spite of unfairness of it all, God actually demonstrated His love for me on the cross while I was still His enemy, stuck in the pit of sin.

My other comfort was the fact that we could try again.  This didn’t mean I couldn’t have a baby, just that I couldn’t have that baby.

That experience has made me much more cautious this time around.  And a lot more nervous.  When we went into our six week appointment, we saw a little blob with a heartbeat.  And we wept again.  This time, tears of joy.  Because there was our baby, and it was alive and well.  At our ten week appointment, our little blob had transformed to look like a real live person with legs and arms and a huge head (much like Royce I suppose) and a heartbeat.  And then, our baby jumped!  Right before my very eyes, our baby moved.  It was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my entire life.  I mean, that was our baby, and it moved.  Inside my uterus. 

Here’s hoping for a healthy pregnancy…by the grace of God…til our due date…January 20, 2010.